Head's Up from SJCS A Point of View from Seattle Jewish Community School's Debbie Butler

I’m pleased to have Diane Zipperman, SJCS Counselor, as a guest blogger.

The winter Olympics are about to begin in Vancouver. The participating athletes have dedicated many years of hard work, practice and sacrifice to reach this opportunity to compete among the world’s best.  What will the message of the Olympics be for them and for those of us who watch them: that winning is all important? Or that pursuing one’s passion, putting forth your best effort, and displaying good sportsmanship are what counts?  As parents, how can we use the Olympic Games as an opportunity to teach important values to our children about winning at sports, in school and in life?

Winning is an important value in our culture and has contributed to great achievements in many different areas of our lives.  We must, however, also examine how winning fits in with other important values such as playing by the rules, respecting “teammates” (on the field, in the classroom and on the job) and the recognition of hard work over outcome. When children believe that being the best is more important than doing your best, they may respond to this pressure by not trying at all.

Children look to us – their parents, teachers, and coaches – for lessons on how to work at winning and cope with losing.  While not every child can become “Olympians”, everyone can develop new skills, learn to get along with others, and deal with the emotions than come with winning and losing. Children can be taught to demonstrate caring and assistance of an injured opponent during a game or of a classmate who is upset over a poor grade (vs. gloating over or showing off their advantage). They can learn how to handle their own anger or disappointment over bad calls or mistakes. And, they can be encouraged to experience success by focusing on how to improve their own performance and skills, not just on the number of games they win.

While watching the Olympics and other sporting events, we can help children learn these lessons. We can ask: “How would you feel if you fell during a skating competition or ski race? What can the fallen player do to collect him or herself and get back into the game? Why are the people who have no chance of winning competing anyway?”  Point out positive examples of good sportsmanship such as athletes shaking the hands of opponents, helping a hurting teammate, and continuing to try their hardest even if the team is losing by a lot. Help them understand how these ways of responding may apply in their lives – in school and with family and friends.

Our children, and we as their parents, need to remember that they are not necessarily going to win at everything and that this does not mean they have “failed.” Personal success can be defined as trying one’s best, recovering and learning from one’s mistakes, treating others fairly and with respect – and, enjoying oneself.

For Further Reading: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcac.htm

I highly recommend Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s fascinating book NurtureShock.  Published last year, it’s chock-full of research that, in many cases, debunks commonly held assumptions.  Bronson and Merryman demand that we consider data and core differences between children and adults as we rear, teach, and guide our next generations to maturity.

In the opening chapter, The Inverse Power of Praise, the authors make a compelling, research-rich case that over-praising children sets them up for failure.  They conclude that children should be praised specifically and for the effort they make. It turns out that praise for perseverance trumps praise for innate intelligence.

Research shows that children who are constantly told they are smart give little to no effort when the going gets tough.  When pushed out of their comfort zones, fear of failure can become debilitating.  Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from under-performing.  It might actually be causing it (p. 13). The problem is that praising a child for his/her intelligence, teaches the child to focus on image maintenance and not on striving to improve his/her performance.  The trait that should be encouraged, nurtured, and praised, is persistence.

I agree.  What do you think?

What would praise for persistence look and sound like…in our homes, on our playfields, and in our classrooms?

Our tz’dakah caterpillar winds its way up the stairwell, each body part representing participation in tikkun olam/repair of the world by our school community.  We put coins into a tz’dakah/charity box when we prepare to celebrate Shabbat.  The Chai Fivers, our youngest students, visit the caterpillar and put coins in its tail.  Our 5^th graders serve the homeless at Operation Sack Lunch.  Our 3^rd graders help out at the food bank.  Gan and 4^th graders shop together at Safeway for the food bank.  The list goes on and on.

We are approaching Hanukkah, and we are blessed.  Our children are well-cared for—with warm homes, hot meals, toys, and perks.  Hanukkah can be our time to make gift giving our mitzvah.   Our 3^rd-5^th graders, under the direction of Morah Amee and staff, have designed the 2^nd Annual Mitzvah Mall.  This is a gift-giving opportunity, where we honor others by giving tz’dakah as a tribute.

Here’s how you can make a gift of tz’dakah at the SJCS Mitzvah Mall:

1. Choose your organization(s) and make a suggested minimum gift of $10 to one or many. We provide the opportunity, you choose where to give.
2. Go to website(s) for the organization(s) you want to support and make a donation.
3. Complete the tribute form at the bottom of this post and send it to asherer@seattlejcs.org so we can send a tribute to your chosen honoree.

Treehouse:  www.treehouseforkids.org

A Seattle organization that offers services to local foster children. Treehouse makes a difference in their lives by helping with school, fulfilling key material needs and paying for extras that are, for most kids, just a regular part of growing up.

Gilda’s Club:  www.gildasclubseattle.org

Gilda’s Club provides all sorts of exceptional free programs for men, women and children who are living with cancer. Spa days, summer camps, clubhouse time and much more all enhance the quality of life for the person with cancer, as well as for their family members.

The Mitzvah Heroes Fund:  www.mitzvahheroesfund.org

The MH Fund is devoted to working with all kinds of really good people who have a vision of what is right and good and just.   They support Mitzvah heroes mainly in Israel. Look at the list of them on the website. Morah Amee has met each and every one of them personally and you cannot go wrong designating your gift to a certain Mitzvah hero, or letting the fund use your gift at their discretion.

The Good People Fund:  www.goodpeoplefund.org

This fund supports many of the same Mitzvah heroes as the MH Fund, and also works with many Mitzvah heroes (Good People) here in the United States as well.  Look at the list and see if you’d like to designate your gift to a particular person/organization or to have the GPF designate for you.

We would love to provide you with an acknowledgement card in addition to the one you will receive from the organization.  Please fill out this form at your convenience and we will do a two-day turn-around for you.  Each card will be hand-decorated by an SJCS student.  Information can also be e-mailed to HaMorah Amee at asherer@seattlejcs.org

Your Name_______________________________________

Recipient’s Name__________________________________

Organization’s Name________________________________

Special Message (We can either put this in for you, like “Happy Hanukkah”or Happy Holidays”; or, we can leave it blank and you can write your own message)

This week I’m delighted to have Josh Isaac, SJCS parent, as a guest blogger.

If you are in the Seattle-area with young kids graduating into preschool or Kindergarten, or even if you have an elementary age child but are looking for a better fit, I highly recommend checking out SJCS.

This is, of course, the school where we send Jacob and Sam. Raising my kids in this environment makes me extremely proud. SJCS holds fast to the values I believe in such as a love for Judaism, Israel, learning and education, the land, the people and all living creatures, diversity, and for our rich and deep heritage. I see these values fostering in my children each and every day.

How does SJCS do this? One example comes this Friday when we celebrate Sam’s Oneg Shabbat. He’s been excited for this day for three years now since watching Jacob be honored each year with his special Oneg Shabbat. The children in the different grades gather Friday afternoon in a large classroom as two children and their families sit up front. Classmates, teachers and family members share thoughtful, complimentary words about each child. Then those children lead the classes in the Shabbat ritual prayers. I see this process instill a sense of confidence and pride in each child. They are celebrated for who they are and encouraged to be the best that they can become.

At SJCS I’ve witnessed my children flourish. Now in his fourth year, Jacob’s acquired strength and confidence in his identity. His gentle nature and kind spirit are appreciated. Shy by design, he’s encouraged to be an active learner, expressing himself freely and communicating ideas with enthusiasm. He’s pushed to excel but rewarded for being an unique, creative individual. Even though Sam’s started this year, he’s been a part of the SJCS community since Jacob first attended the school. He has no problem expressing himself and being confident, but he’s learning about Derech Eretz, or the way of the land, which means treating everyone with respect and dignity. He’s spent the first part of this year focusing on his social aptitude, something he’ll naturally succeed at in life. Already, teachers have identified areas for growth and are challenging Sam at a pace and speed which will allow him to flourish. I’m confident both boys are at a school that is right for them, and what’s more, they’re engaged with each other, perpetuating a pride in their name.

In addition, my brother and sister-in-law chose to send their kids to SJCS, which couldn’t make for a richer, more rewarding family experience. Their son Eli lands in-between Jacob and Sam in age and, the cousin relationship we harness at home, blossoms there at the school. Next year their daughter Rina will go there as one day we plan to send Sophie and keep the Isaac legacy strong. (If only my parents could see this legacy, they’d be very proud as they’ve contributed to building and structuring Jewish life in North Seattle. Now their grandchildren are reaping the fruits of their labor.)

What’s more is that the community aspect of the SJCS is a valuable part of the education. We’ve made deep, lasting friendships with families there because social networking is part of the extracurricular experience, whether it’s for an all school Hanukkah party one evening or Friday night community Shabbat dinners hosted by parents who open up their homes.

Under the circumstances of my illness, Kim and I feel this is absolutely the right atmosphere for us. As Kim once said, ‘if I ever needed to, I could make one call to the school and know my family would be taken care of.’ We already know from experience that many of our lovely and generous friends there would be willing to drop everything if needed and step up and help. But it’s a reassuring feeling knowing this entire community is invested in my well-being and prays for my health. While families have cooked us meals or contributed to projects for us, the students have made beautiful Get Well cards and collected Tzedakah, or charity, for non-profits working to cure sarcomas.

Without hesitation, I recommend attending an open house and seeing for yourself what this beautiful community school is about. I don’t mind sharing my story to illustrate how this beautiful community comes together to support one another, but I hope others will not have to experience this for it means some hardship abounds. Instead, the proof is in the pudding, meaning I see firsthand how it’s affecting my children and giving them a strong foundation to live a life of meaning. I’ve also seen this in the many graduates we’ve met who’ve moved on from SJCS. There is reason to hope that future generations will fix the problems we’ve left behind because schools like this exist that teach the children not just math and language arts but values and skills to help repair the world.

Open Houses for Prospective Parents are on December 10th and January 5th, both at 7:00 p.m.

Read more from Josh at his blog: http://yoshinawa.spaces.live.com .

When you travel,  I wonder if  you’ve been taken aback the way I am by the take- off announcement.  ”Please put on your own mask before assisting others.”  Every time I fly, I think, “No, no!  The kids come first.”    But the truth is, that if you can’t breathe, you won’t be of any assistance to your children, should they require it.

At some point in our lives, we have each gotten into a rut of taking such good care of our children that we have neglected ourselves.  The airlines would not approve.  Neither would your child’s teacher. The thing is, children learn by example.  They are watching you closely, taking notes that will go into the hearts and intellects of the adults they will become.

Do you set aside time to read?  You convey a powerful message to your children if they catch you reading for pleasure.  Are you a good friend to others?  Children learn about friendships in many ways, including watching you with your own friends.  Do you model kindness, patience, and dereh eretz?

Putting everything into our children, with nothing left over for ourselves, is not a healthy model.  And, if we want our children to grown into adults who can breath, we need to remember to put on whatever oxygen masks help us breath — now, while the children are watching.

So what’s your oxygen mask?  And, do you use it?

First came the Pacific Science Center Van…

Then came the 3rd grade trip to the Salmon Hatchery…

And last came the assembly on climate change…

And there’s always more coming.

Do you get enough sleep? Do your children? Educational journals of late caution us to look at a child’s sleep patterns before considering the possibility of attention issues, including ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Your child may just need more sleep.

What is the cost of an insufficient amount of sleep? We see many tired children at school. They come to the office feeling ill and fall asleep on the cot. They plug through their days as troopers but seem more fragile than usual. They can be easily frustrated or unreasonable. On the days that a child is tired, s/he does not learn or participate in the same way s/he would with a full night’s sleep.

Sleep is a necessity. It is more of a necessity than social activities, sports, and even than completed homework assignments.

When my boys were young, my husband and I planned our schedules around naps and bedtime. We learned early on as new parents that if the kids were fed, comfortable, and well-rested, life just seemed a lot happier all around. While there was a grace period when the portable baby could and would sleep anywhere, that phase quickly transitioned to the need for evening rituals that were home-based. In the elementary school years, we turned down many invitations to evening parties and events. And wherever we were, as 7:00 p.m. approached, we would try to leave before the inevitable meltdown. I called it “leaving with dignity.”

Today’s families struggle to get home from work and sports, cook dinner, attend to homework, and frankly to fit it all in. Bedtimes are very different than they were 10 years ago.

So, do you get enough sleep? Do your children?

Dereh Eretz is an expansive concept at SJCS, yet its literal translation – the path of the land– does little to convey its significance philosophically and practically in the life of our students and our school.  A more poetic translation came to us from alumni parent Dr. John Gottman when he described the value as the way of kindness.

I’m thinking the essence of dereh eretz can be found between the literal and the poetic.  The path we reference is not a linear connector from “here” to “there”.  Instead, it is a way of considering the journey, a guiding image more than an ultimate destination.  In our school, students are in the early stages of considering themselves in relation to the other.  As adults, we know that navigating self in relation to other – be it co-worker, friend, life partner, teacher, sibling, parent, neighbor, child – is a lifelong endeavor.  Our job is to help our still-young students visualize a personal path for the ongoing work of meaningful, respectful human connection.

We have a sacred opportunity to guide our students in accessing their paths.  I see my staff as both tenacious and creative in the myriad ways they help children translate the vagaries of “kindness” into concrete, daily action. Weekly, we recognize a child from each grade as the “dereh eretz student”.  Beyond the opportunity to publicly celebrate our core value, we are able to honor the individual way in which a student found his or her own path of kindness and respect.  We don’t expect these unique individuals to find uniform paths -  nor do we expect them never to stray from their paths.  Instead, we daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, help them find the personal steps they can choose along their journeys.